today i watched a gilmore girl marathon and finished season 7. man i forgot how much i love that show. i totally made myself a cup of coffee and cried at the end. and txtd my mom. but i wish i called her. i want my mommy. to give me a motivating speech and tell me im going to be alright after college. just like when she flew to st. louis and we sat in the car -i think it was raining, too- and i just cried and cried in the rental car with that new-ish car smell having a breakdown because i wanted to transfer but i wasnt sure if i could. and she said that i'd have regrets either way, but i could do whatever i wanted.
i totally feel like rory right now. turned away my boyfriend -and it really does come in waves, "big waves and really close together"- and sending out lots of letters (hers were resumes, mine are support lol) and being frustrated because everything i've really strived for, i've gotten. until now.
just like rory, i was accepted to but turned down my "dream college." went to a washington university in st. louis, ranked 12th in the nation (better than usc actually, tied with northwestern this year). and whose architecture program was one of the top 10 in the nation. when i wanted to transfer, i got in here at ucsb with a major that i love and professors i've really gotten to know and who like me.
but now i'm completely feeling like rory who's freaking out because suddenly i dont know what my next goal is or even if i'm smart enough or friendly enough (bc i suck at interviews -like chandler) to get into another school or get a job. i'm sure i sound whiny and bratty and slightly arrogant right now but im thinking i shouldnt censor this because when i go through these archives, i want to remember how stressed i was and unsure. and i'll look back and go, "why was i worried at all. of course God used it for His glory. silly me...how naive." because that's exactly what i said when i was a freshman in college and again as a junior transfer. and yet, i'm still anxious.
you of little faith, why are you so afraid? -Jesus [matthew 8:26]
you of little faith, why did you doubt? -Jesus [matthew 14:31]
2 comments:
praying for you, cousin!
I like this. It's true; we're gonna look back and think that we're so silly. But yes, you are Rory.
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