date night.

regarding date night w jesus at disneyland:

"seeing minnie at disneyland is pretty great, but seeing jesus at disneyland is even better!" - rachel

let men be men.

my sign for the boys' apt.

in tokyo i learned to let men be men. figuring out how was the hardest part since i don't really like them to do things for me as i don't really appreciate acts of service as much as i ought. it's hard for me to let guys take my luggage or help me out. mostly because i think i can do a faster and better job. i'm still learning how to be flexible with that. but i've been realizing that i let men be men by asking them questions. maybe my pride resides in my intelligence so my way of submitting is to give the guy an opportunity to teach me something. i ask a lot of questions - some silly, most not - and i like to hear an answer even if it's purely opinion or hypothesis. if i respect him, i'll listen to his answer.

on a side note, i was thinking today about how awesome it will be to fall in love with the man who will be my husband. well, really it was for him to fall in love with me. hah. i was thinking that i want him to love and admire me because of my love for the Lord above all other things. that's one of those cliche things i've always wanted, but today i really thought about it and really wanted it. like the end of miss congeniality when she says "i really do want world peace." i really do want my future husband to see Jesus in me. i don't know what that looks like exactly, but i'm working on it.


[from mr. magorium's wonder emporium]
molly: mutant...when you look at me, what do you see?
henry: really pretty eyes.
molly: no. i mean...like, do you see a sparkle?
henry: you mean, now? like, glitter on your face?
molly: no, like, you know, a sparkle.
henry: i...what kind of sparkle?
molly: like...something reflective of something bigger that's trying to get out.

TOKYO.

august 5th, 2010:
finally the update.

things i learned:
- God is worthy to be praised and served even through personal sacrifice.
- die to self.
- the power of prayer.
- call to STINT?
- what community looks like.
- what leadership looks like.
- what Godly men should look like.
- healing and redemption.
- Japan is in the 10-40 window.
- being back is harder than i thought.

i want so badly to be back in japan. my heart is there. my mind is there nearly all the time. and my body is there, too. it is having a hard time adjusting back to california time.

i really don't want to blog. mostly because i dont know what to say and there is so much that can't be written down.

i miss my team so much. i wish we were all from the same place. i want to isolate myself in my room and not go out into the world. i just don't want to deal with everything right now. i feel stuck. today just flew by while i was sleeping in my bed.


----
august 22, 2010:

i was gonna blog and then i saw this draft i completely forgot about! i dont know why i didnt just post it...

anyway, i figured out what i'm going to share at church and i just finished the slides. phew. i'm glad it's done. and i'm glad i have an idea of what i'm going to say. i just hope i deliver it well because it's important info. haha funny how my main point is not any of those things i listed above: experiencing the Gospel daily. i usually miss the forest for the trees.

having the sharing stuff prepared is a huge relief. now i can enjoy my sunday. with OWL CITY & JOHN MAYER! :D

honestly.

what the heck.
seriously. what the heck.

---
today i realized i need to be more honest with myself. my auto-response to "how are you?" is always "i'm doing well." sometimes i distinguish between how well i'm doing with an exclamation versus a period. and today i realized i'm not doing well. so in a message to a friend i caught myself. and instead i said exactly how i was. it was like telling it to myself for the first time, too. i was even surprised.

maybe it's because i spent all day around jordan, but i feel the need to process this externally instead of internally. things i've been learning about myself":

1. i'm not doing too well.
my birthday was fine. but i was just floating along not really feeling in sync with my surroundings. instead, i just went with it. but what i really wanted to do was cry.

2. i need to prepare for battle.
during my date night with jesus i realized that i need to be ready for battle. i've been missing tokyo so much i forgot that i'm here in california surrounded by people who also need to hear the gospel. i want to be on mission. and since i'm here, i need to learn how to love the mission field i've been placed in.

3. i've been avoiding normal life.
it's been two weeks and i can't cope with reality. i'm not in another country. i have no excuse. i need to take some responsibility.
instead of sleeping at reasonable hours, i inadvertently keep myself up late at night remembering projects and things i "need" to do. so i'm still jet-lagged.
and i've been avoiding writing my supporters because i'm still processing what i've learned. there is so much. and my mind just can't get it all organized. my mind is frazzled.
and i've been avoiding writing any post-graduation cards because then it's like i'm really home.

pray pray pray. because every day i'm learning i'm more messed up than i thought.
but then again, that's what keeps reminding me why i need a savior. every second of every day.

finally inception.

i've been wanting to see this movie since i first saw the trailer. but then everyone made such a big deal about it that i didn't want to anymore. and then everyone had already seen it and i don't do movies alone so i was thinking of waiting. but then part of me hates watching movies with great special effects on my tv because it's just not the same and doesn't do any justice to the people who spent weeks working on it...so i saw it last night with my dad.

and i loved it.

for the following reasons:
1. ellen page. i just love everything she does.
2. architecture. it was mentioned. but also, the sets were really great. modern + craftsman style, i couldn't resist.
3. joseph gordon-levitt. he's brilliant and hilarious. and looks good doing it.
4. marion cotillard. i was pleasantly surprised to see her in the movie! she's one of my favorite actresses i think.

not my favorite scene, but a neat shot.

they are really cute together.

hello thursday.

i dreamt about project last night. not surprising considering i was up at 2am thinking about what i learned from project. how could a week go by that quickly???

i woke up in the morning [decidedly not like p diddy] at 8am and went for a run with my dad. it was a different route so i can't compare, but my endurance needs work.

p.s.- the calluses on my fingertips are gnarly. my fingers are seriously wrecked. hopefully that's directly proportional to skill level and i'll play better haha

covet.

i also want these. but i can only justify buying one. the first is a polaroid that pops out these adorable sized photos that i love and have wanted for a long long time now. but i already have a nice camera. in fact, i have a perfectly good esv bible, too. and how terrible is it to be coveting a bible? gahhh..but it's like the baby of moleskine + esv. who doesn't want that???

grab my glasses, i'm out the door, i'm gonna hit this city.

i want/need new black sunglassies bc mine broke and all i'm left with are these blue ones that don't really go with everything. so if i'm getting black ones, i want them to be like this:

breakfast at tiffany's, of course.

now here's where it gets difficult...i need help. there are four options. they're all the same price. they all look kind of similar, but i'm still not sure which ones i like/which ones are the most audrey-ish. did i mention that audrey-ability is one of the criteria? haha and here we go:

option 1.

option 2.

option 3.

option 4.

post-project cleaning.

monica's secret closet.

last night i watched the one with the stain right before bed [as per my new nightly routine, so its like rachel, summer, and i are watching friends all together] and it motivated me to clean my room for this week. it's my weekly goal. ambitious, right?

and i'm FINALLY going to get a new moleskine today! yayyy! i feel like i can't process my tokyo trip without journalling it out. and i can't journal it out without a sufficient journal. yea, i know, i'm a kook, too.

paul frank.

these are my new headphones for my very old ipod. how cute are they??? lol plus they're gonna be great when i'm on the plane and needing to cancel out the noise. i'm so excited to use them! :D

monica.

i want my hair to grow out like monicas. lol
watching friends whilst packing is so good :]

post-grad.

disclaimer: i'm so tired, which means there is bound to be typos galore and bad grammar. but i'm finally done.

and i'm all moved out.
and the email i was expecting today never came. so i'm thinking it never will, which is fine with me.

today:
woke up @8...then 805...810...815...820...830.
left LA @9.
arrived at apartment @1045.
cleaned. scrubbed. vacuumed. wiped. moved.
teary goodbye with summer and rachel. if i think about it too much i might start crying again. so moving right along:
carpet man didn't come until i called him @1230.
dropped off keys.
went to sbucks and gave the cashier 3 $5s and 2 quarters when the total was $7.30...and then i turned around and saw my phone lying on a table waiting for me to lose it. i was really really tired.
went to the bkstore and bought my 20% off ucsb tshirt.
took alona's postcard to the bella.
dropped off the cable box @cox.
4pm: went to the shack @carp. (its really called the spot, but i really have a hard time remembering that)
stopped in camarillo. went to the disney outlet and almost bought myself an $8 naveen doll. but i really wanted a tiana and there were none. it took all of my willpower to leave when selena was singing "naturally" on the tv.
bought some tokyo-appropriate clothing that were some good deals :] (i dont know how to make that grammatically correct right now)
listened to wicked on the way home.
tried to get internet on my laptop, but it can't find the network. and now i'm bummed bc i really wanted to see if rach & sum had come home to the virtual apartment we share.
oh and i checked gold and i passed my feminism+art history class! whew, i was really worried. my gpa's shot, but at least i dont have to redo anything.
i think i'm gonna get in bed and then spend all day tomorrow unpacking and finding my stuff. and painting my nails with the amazing new polish i bought with rachel and matches with summer. haha

kathleen kelly.

this is my favorite movie.
and she's one of the best heroines ever written.

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

the beginning of the end.

after only a couple hours of that sleep you cry yourself to, i woke up and was so out of it i thought maybe i dreamt up evvvverything from yesterday. turns out, nope. i'm still waiting on that heartbreaking email to come my way.


this song has been stuck in my head since the idol finale [man is she wonderful], but only recently was i listening to the words. & now it's on the rotation.

Undo It
carrie underwood.

I should have known by the way you passed me by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right
I should have walked but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand and I let it slide

Now I only have myself to blame for falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy, you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name and I never will
And all your things, well I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even sad

Now you only have yourself to blame for playing all those stupid games
You're always gonna be the same and, oh no, you'll never change

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy, you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na

You want my future, you can't have it
http://www.elyricsworld.com/undo_it_lyrics_carrie_underwood.html
I'm still trying to erase you from my past
I need you gone so fast

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy, you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
Boy, you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

i wish i could go back to college.

freshman year. de ja vu.

We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,
4 A.M. before the final paper is due,

Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
And seeing the rest of the class there, too!

memorable quote of the day.

"if i didn't hate the devil before, i definitely do now."


today's blessings:

1. rachel & sum.
i really needed the laughs and sympathy today.

2. a+ paper.
but that's not the only reason i liked my TA. she gave me some of the best comments i've ever received.

3. watching the undie run.
lol it's just SO isla vista. or as rachel says, sodom and gomorrah.

4. only $35 away from my support goal!!!
woo hoo! tokyo here i come!

story of our lives.

[on deciding which FRIENDS character is our favorite]
Rachel: It's a hard question. It's like trying to choose between your mom and your dad.


and for some reason, this was even more hilarious than usual to us:
Chandler: Monica got ice in her eye. And it hurts!

pomp & circumstance.

graduation is in 5 days...

- i've got my cap that makes my hair all funny and my face look weird bc my hair is too short.
- i've got my gown that's hanging in my bathroom waiting to scare me because it looks like lord voldemort flying by my sink. but at least its black so it matches my shoes. lol
- and i'm going to get my cord and stole today or tomorrow.
- and i've got one more final and an essay to write.

i want more time.

mr. sandman, bring me something else.

it's time for bed and i don't want to get ready because i know my dreams are going to make me sad. whenever i dream, daniel is in it and whenever he's in it, we're back together. but this last wave of dreams have been the moment of revelation and reconciliation. which is so much worse when i wake up.

so much for sweet dreams.

memorial day weekend.

super old. i just found this draft buried alllll the way down there. oops.


1. i <3 lily.
and i'm glad estephanie has figured out what "less than three" means :]

2. este maria singing "sausages sausages" to the savages song in pocahontas. and her "take it out" story.

3. rach n sum time. all the time. <3

4. operatic singing and the kendra voice all the way home. :]