let men be men.

my sign for the boys' apt.

in tokyo i learned to let men be men. figuring out how was the hardest part since i don't really like them to do things for me as i don't really appreciate acts of service as much as i ought. it's hard for me to let guys take my luggage or help me out. mostly because i think i can do a faster and better job. i'm still learning how to be flexible with that. but i've been realizing that i let men be men by asking them questions. maybe my pride resides in my intelligence so my way of submitting is to give the guy an opportunity to teach me something. i ask a lot of questions - some silly, most not - and i like to hear an answer even if it's purely opinion or hypothesis. if i respect him, i'll listen to his answer.

on a side note, i was thinking today about how awesome it will be to fall in love with the man who will be my husband. well, really it was for him to fall in love with me. hah. i was thinking that i want him to love and admire me because of my love for the Lord above all other things. that's one of those cliche things i've always wanted, but today i really thought about it and really wanted it. like the end of miss congeniality when she says "i really do want world peace." i really do want my future husband to see Jesus in me. i don't know what that looks like exactly, but i'm working on it.


[from mr. magorium's wonder emporium]
molly: mutant...when you look at me, what do you see?
henry: really pretty eyes.
molly: no. i mean...like, do you see a sparkle?
henry: you mean, now? like, glitter on your face?
molly: no, like, you know, a sparkle.
henry: i...what kind of sparkle?
molly: like...something reflective of something bigger that's trying to get out.

TOKYO.

august 5th, 2010:
finally the update.

things i learned:
- God is worthy to be praised and served even through personal sacrifice.
- die to self.
- the power of prayer.
- call to STINT?
- what community looks like.
- what leadership looks like.
- what Godly men should look like.
- healing and redemption.
- Japan is in the 10-40 window.
- being back is harder than i thought.

i want so badly to be back in japan. my heart is there. my mind is there nearly all the time. and my body is there, too. it is having a hard time adjusting back to california time.

i really don't want to blog. mostly because i dont know what to say and there is so much that can't be written down.

i miss my team so much. i wish we were all from the same place. i want to isolate myself in my room and not go out into the world. i just don't want to deal with everything right now. i feel stuck. today just flew by while i was sleeping in my bed.


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august 22, 2010:

i was gonna blog and then i saw this draft i completely forgot about! i dont know why i didnt just post it...

anyway, i figured out what i'm going to share at church and i just finished the slides. phew. i'm glad it's done. and i'm glad i have an idea of what i'm going to say. i just hope i deliver it well because it's important info. haha funny how my main point is not any of those things i listed above: experiencing the Gospel daily. i usually miss the forest for the trees.

having the sharing stuff prepared is a huge relief. now i can enjoy my sunday. with OWL CITY & JOHN MAYER! :D

honestly.

what the heck.
seriously. what the heck.

---
today i realized i need to be more honest with myself. my auto-response to "how are you?" is always "i'm doing well." sometimes i distinguish between how well i'm doing with an exclamation versus a period. and today i realized i'm not doing well. so in a message to a friend i caught myself. and instead i said exactly how i was. it was like telling it to myself for the first time, too. i was even surprised.

maybe it's because i spent all day around jordan, but i feel the need to process this externally instead of internally. things i've been learning about myself":

1. i'm not doing too well.
my birthday was fine. but i was just floating along not really feeling in sync with my surroundings. instead, i just went with it. but what i really wanted to do was cry.

2. i need to prepare for battle.
during my date night with jesus i realized that i need to be ready for battle. i've been missing tokyo so much i forgot that i'm here in california surrounded by people who also need to hear the gospel. i want to be on mission. and since i'm here, i need to learn how to love the mission field i've been placed in.

3. i've been avoiding normal life.
it's been two weeks and i can't cope with reality. i'm not in another country. i have no excuse. i need to take some responsibility.
instead of sleeping at reasonable hours, i inadvertently keep myself up late at night remembering projects and things i "need" to do. so i'm still jet-lagged.
and i've been avoiding writing my supporters because i'm still processing what i've learned. there is so much. and my mind just can't get it all organized. my mind is frazzled.
and i've been avoiding writing any post-graduation cards because then it's like i'm really home.

pray pray pray. because every day i'm learning i'm more messed up than i thought.
but then again, that's what keeps reminding me why i need a savior. every second of every day.

hello thursday.

i dreamt about project last night. not surprising considering i was up at 2am thinking about what i learned from project. how could a week go by that quickly???

i woke up in the morning [decidedly not like p diddy] at 8am and went for a run with my dad. it was a different route so i can't compare, but my endurance needs work.

p.s.- the calluses on my fingertips are gnarly. my fingers are seriously wrecked. hopefully that's directly proportional to skill level and i'll play better haha

post-project cleaning.

monica's secret closet.

last night i watched the one with the stain right before bed [as per my new nightly routine, so its like rachel, summer, and i are watching friends all together] and it motivated me to clean my room for this week. it's my weekly goal. ambitious, right?

and i'm FINALLY going to get a new moleskine today! yayyy! i feel like i can't process my tokyo trip without journalling it out. and i can't journal it out without a sufficient journal. yea, i know, i'm a kook, too.

to blog or not to blog.

[haha, perfectly cliche title right?]

the question is: for summer project, should i blog about it here, make a new blog just for project, or send email updates to my supporters? i'd rather just blog here, but then that means all my supporters will be able to see all my silly antics and things. which i dont think i'd mind, but it just seems weird to tell everyone to "check out my blog" haha and i dont think i'd want to make a new blog either. so emails..? what do you think?