conversations.

im writing my paper -well, let me be honest- i'm supposed to be writing my paper for my new testament literature class. and it's killing me slowly. i'm so distracted right now. and i feel terrible because i'm reading scripture for my sources and i dont know why, but i just feel like im slighting God by not really wanting to do this or read any of the gospels right now.

instead, i'm just having the same conversation with God over and over. like in a 5 minute loop. and it goes something like this:

Me: Lord, why do you put these desires in me? Why are they there? What are they for if I'm not supposed to act on them?
God: Christine -
Me: And why can't you just let me know about the future? What does your plan look like? Am I even close to getting it? Because I know what I want and I hope that what You want looks a lot like what I want. I just want to know...
God: Christine, you don't need to know.
Me: Oh, right. Duh. I'm sorry, I'll let You be God. You're better at it anyway.[pause]
Me: So, wait. When you say I don't need to know...etc. etc. etc.


update.
the convo has changed to become:

God: Do you love me?
Me: Yes.
God: Do you love me more than everything else?
Me: Of course.
God: Do you love me more than anyone else?
Me: I really want to...Lord, I want to loosen my grip on this idol in my life. But I'm afraid You'll take it away.
God: Do you trust me?
Me: ...Yes.
God: Then let go.

(my favorite part is jasmine's skeptical face right after this.)