honestly.

what the heck.
seriously. what the heck.

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today i realized i need to be more honest with myself. my auto-response to "how are you?" is always "i'm doing well." sometimes i distinguish between how well i'm doing with an exclamation versus a period. and today i realized i'm not doing well. so in a message to a friend i caught myself. and instead i said exactly how i was. it was like telling it to myself for the first time, too. i was even surprised.

maybe it's because i spent all day around jordan, but i feel the need to process this externally instead of internally. things i've been learning about myself":

1. i'm not doing too well.
my birthday was fine. but i was just floating along not really feeling in sync with my surroundings. instead, i just went with it. but what i really wanted to do was cry.

2. i need to prepare for battle.
during my date night with jesus i realized that i need to be ready for battle. i've been missing tokyo so much i forgot that i'm here in california surrounded by people who also need to hear the gospel. i want to be on mission. and since i'm here, i need to learn how to love the mission field i've been placed in.

3. i've been avoiding normal life.
it's been two weeks and i can't cope with reality. i'm not in another country. i have no excuse. i need to take some responsibility.
instead of sleeping at reasonable hours, i inadvertently keep myself up late at night remembering projects and things i "need" to do. so i'm still jet-lagged.
and i've been avoiding writing my supporters because i'm still processing what i've learned. there is so much. and my mind just can't get it all organized. my mind is frazzled.
and i've been avoiding writing any post-graduation cards because then it's like i'm really home.

pray pray pray. because every day i'm learning i'm more messed up than i thought.
but then again, that's what keeps reminding me why i need a savior. every second of every day.